Trigger warning: fucked up behaviors.
I’ve been you before, I promise.
I’ve blamed myself.
I’ve hurt myself.
I strongly believed I was not enough, and I would never be.
And since I couldn’t be enough for myself, I decided I’d mimic whatever I could make me more desirable.
Likeable. Lovable.
To others.
I desperately wanted to be “like everyone else”.
Of course I could never be.
(Not because “I’m different” that’s crap, no one’s that special).
Whatever and anything, no matter what it took me.
I drank. I smoked.
I changed my body and my style.
My clothes, the way I spoke.
I pretended to be shyer.
Colder than I am.
I faked I cared about shit that don’t bother me.
I faked I didn’t care about what was really important to me.
I played smart.
I played the fool.
I even played the victim.
And it all took me nowhere.
So don’t be me, please.
Don’t be the girl that smacked her head at the wall out of frustration.
And pulled her own hair just because she hated herself so much she needed to hurt herself in some way.
Follow your gut, find your own way.
You’ll reach it! I promise!
Write till you don’t feel your hand or fingertips.
Sing till it strikes you.
Cry your eyes out till you know what you need, it doesn’t have to match the needs of others!
It doesn’t even have to match what you want!
And treat yourself well along the way, please.
Even if it doesn’t feel real, even if it kills you.
Because one day, it won’t kill you anymore.
And that day you’ll know that’s the only thing you deserve, nothing less.
You deserve the world and you will have it.
You’ll. Be. Fine.
(I wish somebody told me before…
We’re all nuts in the end.)