So in order to heal, I give up.
I give up on writing the perfect prose by mutilating my feelings and thoughts. By not allowing myself to express what I really want.
Although vulnerability terrifies me, I choose to vomit in words, my heart and soul.
I give up on being careless and funny.
I let go of the thought that being that way would’ve made people stay.
And it may have.
But this time I’m choosing to be as profound and unconventional as I really am. And understanding it can make it harder for people to like me, I accept it.
I give up on being ridiculously selfless. Because it went under-appreciated and left me empty.
I realize that who I thought were friends just didn’t like me enough. Or maybe not at all.
And I choose to stop hiding who I am. To stop worrying so much about others’ comfort. Because they don’t care about mine.
I choose to never, ever again make myself smaller so others don’t feel uncomfortable. Emotionally, physically and intellectually, I’ll show myself as I am.
Though it can cause unease, I promise not to dilute myself again.
I give up on taking care of people when it’s hard to take care of myself.
I renounce to holding on to depressed, lost, unmotivated people that suck on my energy and will to live.
They never cared and left me bleeding in the end.
And even when untangling myself is harder. That’s the path I choose to face.
I make the conscious decision of healing instead.
All the energy I wasted on ungrateful people, I’ll use it to take care of myself.
Of my pain. Of those small, still open wounds.
And I give up on being less sensitive.
I give up on the belief that if I said less, felt less, loved less, I wouldn’t freak others out.
And again, maybe I wouldn’t.
But my sea of emotions, I choose to welcome it like never before.
Because I want them flowing instead of stalling.
Blooming instead of rotting.
Even if it means I’ll scare people out of my life, I’ll allow my feelings to stay.
And maybe one day, someone will want to sail on them, as messy as they are.
I choose to empathize, to connect. To feel inside of me the life in this world.
Even if it is too much. Even if it overflows me.
I embrace this too-big-heart I’ve been given. And finally treat it with the kindness it deserves.
The kindness I deserve.
And today I allow myself to let go of the guilt from the things that went wrong.
Because sometimes things go beyond our control. And all the overthinking in the world won’t change the final score.
I throw away my backpack of self-pity, comforting but burdening.
And without a trace of doubt I decide to give it my all, to do what I want to do and live by what I believe in.
I allow myself to breath and feel all the sadness, all the frustration, for one last time.
And I welcome new energies to come.
To reconnect with the universe and with who I really am.
Because only by doing that I can start a new chapter.
I don’t know what waits for me on the other side, but I’m sure it must be nice.